First Trump, then Corona, now Wendler, can the year get any worse? Sure, “The Bachelorette” is back! And in episode 1 he meets a friend and the usual men with acute muscles
So there it is, the new Bachelorette. Crete, wind force five, the hair fits, thanks to three schnapps a day. But what is she doing for contortions? On a rock? In the blazing light? Is Slash about to come with his grand piano and play a guitar solo? Is Jon Bon Jovi abseiling off a helicopter to build a “Bed of Roses”? Ah no, sorry, this is yoga. Why Melissa Damilia does this at 40 degrees on a cliff we don’t need to understand. She’s the new Bachelorette after all. That is punishment enough. For all.
Mama Bachelorette prefers not to be on TV
The fact that “The Bachelorette” is still around in 2020 is probably a mystery. As if the world wasn’t bad enough already. Trump, Corona, Wendler, and now Melissa Damilia . Your mom probably sees it similarly. She doesn’t want to take part in the show, announces the new Bachelorette in the first few minutes, and doesn’t think it’s good at all. After all, it’s about the man for life! A woman needs her mother there. Or maybe mom just has Melissa Damilia’s appearance on “Love Island” seen last year. Or the “fight of the reality stars” in this one. Your liaison with Pietro Lombardi. Or the one with “Koln 50667” actor imitator Richard Heinze. As a mother, you can get tired. Very tired. Well, Melissa wants to put things right with “The Bachelorette” because she is “put in such a light”. The bad press and such. Michael Wendler has already asked for her phone number. A little tip from me: MAYBE JUST NOT GOING TO EVERY DATE SHOW THAT HAPPENS IN YOUR HIGH HEELS?
So now I feel better. That had to be said. Back to the main program. What does the Bachelorette expect from a man? “Push a chair over,” says Melissa Damilia in episode one. “Open a door.” Say a waiter. Isn’t that a little too high for the 20 candidates for the “Bachelorette”? Let’s let them answer that for themselves. There they come, all gathered on a boat on the way to Crete, each with a shot glass in hand. After round three at the latest, it should look bad for the bachelorette’s fetish for hold-open and postponement. Let’s hope that there are enough automatic door openers in Crete.
Not just shrink pants wearers: More corners and cheeks for the “Bachelorette” candidates
But let’s give this year’s “Bachelorette” candidates a second chance. We still have a few weeks ahead of us together. Who are they actually? Leander, for example, is 22 years old. It has “its own brand,” he says. Aha. Is it on fire? We just saw that on the ship to Crete. I drink ouzo, what are you drinking? Can you do that professionally? Oh, he means “a brand”. Why doesn’t he say that? Because a good marketing strategy is essential to pitching the brand to the break-even point! Logo, right? Note: Never ask questions at the “Bachelorette” that you don’t want to hear the answer to. What else is he doing? Definitely not modeling, although he can, he states. Agencies have asked him, of course, “but it just didn’t turn out”. The greatest careers are still imaginary ones.
Fortunately, Manuel is more down to earth. His mother is Cuban, his father German and for him, all women are “dream women”, he grins. Which means, he shows his Cohiba to everyone who cannot say “Brand” at three. What exactly the right level of undemanding is to take part in the “Bachelorette”. Anyone else wants to say something? Obviously not Rouven. He immediately pulls down his pants. “Showing ass is my trademark,” he explains in episode one of the “Bachelorette”. Well, if you don’t have it in your head, you have to have it in your pants. What about the front? He would show “if it were bigger”. Then Rouven was unfortunately twice as unlucky.
Confusion with “The Bachelorette”: Cubans, Germans, Spaniards, main thing Madrid
Time to arrive at the villa. Manuel first dances salsa before the Bachelorette. “I’m Spaniard!” He says. Wait a minute now I’m confused. Wasn’t his mother a Cuban, his father a German? Oh, did he grow up in Tenerife? I’m not an expert on international intercourse right now, but I don’t think it works that way. Whether Milan or Madrid, the main thing is Spain. The Bachelorette is involved in important conversations anyway. With Moritz, for example, who quit his job to take part in the show. We switch briefly into the conversation: “You have beautiful eyes.” “You also.” “They are dark.” Yes, and around! And you know what, Moritz? You can see them too! I would say they made the months of unemployment worthwhile for that.
The other conversations are equally exciting. May I introduce: Florian, “Bachelorette” candidate 2020, first sentence: “Are you the one who shines like that or the sun?” Snap, snap, teacher, I can answer that! No, this is not the sun, but the nuclear warhead that the Greeks have just detonated in Crete to prevent worse after an hour of “Bachelorette”! Speaking of bombs: Against Alex, half hairball, half biceps, even the greatest explosive power of all weapons of mass destruction pales. Diagnosis: acute muscularity. The sleeves of his T-shirt are so pressurized that he can only leave the house in the company of a bomb clearance squad. On the other hand, there is not even anything from Ratiopharm.
“The Bachelorette”: a touch of “farmer seeks wife”
Which leads us directly to the self-proclaimed Turkish Johnny Depp at the “Bachelorette”. In his introduction video, he stands on the cliffs in a bathrobe and raps. Well, I think that’s supposed to be rapping. He laughs all the time because he thinks he is so horny. Or amateurish. Depending on your point of view. In any case, he mumbles so much that the editors have to subtitle him when he arrives at the villa of the “Bachelorette” – welcome to “Bauer Sucht Bachelorette”, the new crossover format on RTL! Fortunately, Melissa Damilia doesn’t have a screen for the translation, because the sabotage doesn’t make any sense either spoken or read. Instead, the bachelorette has a completely different problem: Leander knows her ex, Richard Heinze. Time to talk. “A very good friend,” is Leander, she says about the relationship between the two. He probably doesn’t see it that way: “This is an acquaintance.” From the office to office in just three seconds. There’s nothing like a real male friendship.
Time for the award of roses at “The Bachelorette”. Hi hi hi hi. You know the procedure. Hi hi hi hi. Stand in front of the photo wall and look thoughtfully, even if it is unfamiliar. Hi hi hi hi. Take a few pictures in your hand and pretend that the production company hadn’t chosen who would go on. Hi hi hi hi. Then step in front of the pack in their pants that they stole from their twelve-year-old brothers. Hi hi hi hi. Pretend the decision was difficult. Hi hi hi hi. Repeat the same sentence over and over again. Hi hi hi hi. While the men heave forward as if they wanted to smuggle a watermelon between their legs into the hotel room. Hi hi hi hi. “Will you accept the rose?” “Yes I will.” Hi hi hi hi hi. Hi hi hi hi. What was the last laugh for now? I do not know either, the bachelorette giggles so artificially through the award of roses as if there was really something to laugh about at this joyless action. Somehow it sounds familiar to me. Hi hi hi hi. Who always laughed at inappropriate places? Hi hi hi hi. That’s right, Joaquin Phoenix’s wild card! Hi hi hi hi. That was a good movie! Hi hi hi hi. In contrast to this nonsense here. Hi hi hi hi. But how did that end again? Hi hi … Ahhhhh! I agree. Have fun with the new season of the “Bachelorette”. Hi hi hi hi. But how did that end again? Hi hi … Ahhhhh! I agree. Have fun with the new season of the “Bachelorette”. Hi hi hi hi. But how did that end again? Hi hi … Ahhhhh! I agree. Have fun with the new season of the “Bachelorette”.
PS: Daniel got a yellow rose. So one of the four in the new season of the “Bachelorette”. In the quartet there were cheaper on the Trash TV rest ramp. He may / must go into the first individual date. Which Daniel, I don’t know, I really don’t get enough compensation for research. You have to be careful yourself. THIS IS NOT A DESIRED CONCERT HERE!
PPS: With Adriano, I could actually stay in capital letters. He’s the only one who has to go on the first episode of The Bachelorette. Fortunately, he wears it like a man. When asked if he wants to say goodbye, he yells: “No way! Where do you live? ”, The microphone tears itself out from under his shirt, and waddles up the stairs as if his watermelon had burst between his legs at that very moment. Well, a shitty image rather than no image at all.